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Exactly a year

Nov. 10th, 2011 | 12:05 am
location: Singapore, Ulu Bedok

I remember what happened on this date one year ago. It was 4am in the morning. My sister and I were still in bed. I was sleeping but I managed to keep my body on alert. Mom barged into our room after getting a call from dad telling us to wake up and get ourselves to the hospital. I went into a conscious frenzy and pulled myself together. I waited for my mom and sis to get ready and get out so we could hail a cab.

I remember tweeting about a verse which goes something like his: do not boast about tomorrow for we will not know what would happen. We were on the sidewalk, peering into the dark ends of the road waiting for a moving green light to come. I prayed for a cab. It came. I never felt so triumphant in my life before. I blocked my thoughts. I refused to think of what would happen and what actually happened. All I know was that I should get there ASAP.

At the hospital lobby, the staff wanted to aggravate me. We were on special priority. And she still wanted us to scan our IC's one by one. I really felt like shouting at her. We got up, the curtains were half closed, my relatives were surrounding Her, I walked in and saw my aunt pumping Her chest. Her eyes were closed, hands sprawled over the edge of the bed frame.

A little heartbeat showing up on the monitor. I thought she was unconscious. Which she was. Dad said she waited for us to be here. I walked up next to her by her bed. I shook her gently, calling her. I wanted so much for her eyes to open. And look at me one last time. Tears came out like waterfall.

We were asked to move out from the area. I knew right there and then that her heartbeat wasn't even existing. I cried buckets. And finally reality came. She left us. After the adults have settled some stuff, my family and I went to have porridge for breakfast.

We were quiet. I tried to lift up the mood. But it ended with more tears and pain. We got home around 10 in the morning. Sis and I continued to sleep cause it was a lot for us. And when we woke up in the afternoon. It felt like it was a different day.

I remember visiting my grandma a week before that. She couldn't remember some people, but she remembered me. Lying on the alien bed she told me: study hard, graduate and get married. When I was younger she said to me most of the time she wanted to see me graduate from university. I'm not there yet. But she's not even here.


My November wasn't the same anymore. My life wasn't the same anymore. I was dreading when November was coming this year.

I will never forget you and never forget that day.

I miss you grandma. <3

9.11.10

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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(no subject)

May. 17th, 2011 | 01:04 pm

 it is done. no more date recording, nothing. im glad you're letting it go, and i am starting to. really touched and encouraged by what you said although i dont deserve it, but im embracing it. time will tell. thank you (:

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24, 6

May. 16th, 2011 | 09:17 am

I came to school today  surely enough you were there. I didn't see you, but did hear your voice and it was good to know you're not suffering. and you should not be too. it was good to know you're doing good. and made me wonder if the reason was you didnt see me... 

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22, 4 (iv)

May. 14th, 2011 | 10:44 pm

 i was reading the past conversations we had on msn. and it did put a smile one my face but when im done reading it, i realise the reality of it all that we're not friends anymore. there's no amount of pain i could go through to make you feel better. i cant make you feel better. i wanted to cry when i read and saw how nice you were to me, how much we cared, and how protective you were. im such an idiot.  

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22, 4 (iii)

May. 14th, 2011 | 07:35 pm

 how can i speak to you again? will you trust me? will you really forgive me? 

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22, 4 (ii)

May. 14th, 2011 | 03:21 pm

vampire weekend is something that i would normally enjoy if we were normal, but now im just using it to make me concentrate and not think about you when i do my work. dont get me wrong, im still in regret.

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22, 4.

May. 14th, 2011 | 02:19 pm

 trying to concentrate to do work. you know why i post here? i could just post on twitter. the thing is, i dont want him to know. or any of our classmates to see. right. im trying to get myself to complete my essay. i stoned for about 30 mins trying to concentrate while spending every second thinking about you. and what happened. i wont be updating my blogger for a while, until things get better. which will be a long time. so i guess mean while its here. cause i promised no rants there. i'll do my best the next hour.

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(no subject)

May. 12th, 2011 | 01:11 pm

 my heart hurts. i feel like acid has been poured all over my heart. corroding it along with my stomach. i dont dare to look at you. but i cant burst out into tears here. i damaged you. im really sorry. broke whatever we had. i dont have the right to laugh or be happy and merry. 

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(no subject)

May. 12th, 2011 | 12:37 pm

 im still feeling like shit. but who would get over it in a day? everytime i hear your name my heart gets pierced through, every time you walk near me i just want to die. i have no face to be around you anymore. i cant handle you being so hurt cause its hurting me. i know we cant go back. 

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